New Beginnings

It's that superficial madness that makes me want to cry.
And as the drops fall, I'll be alone. Nobody to wipe these tears.
So, you wanna hang out now? You wanna get a drink...
Lets be up front. We both know what you want.
FUCK.
You don't deserve this. You don't deserve Me.

I battle myself.
This jaded mind of mine--pimps me out from time to time.

But tonight, I ran as fast as I could and tonight I broke free.

No longer will I give in to the game of man vs woman.
The push and pull of wanting, needing, suffocating.
I am beautiful. I am smart. I am strong.

I don't need you to tell me these things--
all with ill-intention just to get in THIS.
Thanks anyways but I'm gonna have to pass.

NEXT.

Free Fall

Cool, crisp, bright green grass crunches beneath my feet.
Stretch and release.

I shut my deep brown eyes as light penetrates my soul.
Shy shimmers of glitter and gold.

Toes on the edge, wind on my face, I shiver.
Chilly, chill--Chill.

Escape, Grow, Evolve.
Repeat.

JUMP.

Weightless and worry-free, it sure feels good to be Me.

This feeling is mine.
It's calling my name. I glide toward the voice and fall like the rain.

Soul Searching

The dirt road divided yesterday as I walked along.
I tripped over a branch and landed in a patch of sunflowers, funny how things work out.
Swallowed by vibrant gold and staring at the baby blue sky--I saw my future.

Not as I envisioned just a few short months ago but spectacular and more promising.

Tears drip, drop, drip down my olive skin. Breathe. And sigh. And cry again.

Am I selfish? Am I wrong?
Or would this happen all along...

I've named my destiny: Shadow. Because she follows me everywhere I go.
Today, I welcome her with open arms as we laugh and run together.

On days when fear has kidnapped me and taken me to darkness--
The bright white light finds a way to my soul and carries me away.

A dreamer, a fighter, a woman with curiosity...

This is who I am. This is Me.

Wondering about Wandering

Here I am, all twenty-seven years of being Me and still feeling like I'm seventeen.

This life has handed me a red velvet bag full of mystery.
I sift through wooden pieces to build my history.

I sleep and I dream and I wish and I scream...
I've come to realize that a leap is what I need.

Walking to the edge, preparing for the jump--excited for the endless wonders that have yet to come.

My first adventure outside the USA: my safety-net, my haven, the place I call home--
It's held me so comfortably but now it's time to roam.

Soon I'll have the experiences to build this library in my mind.
Finally fill this burning inside to see the world through other eyes.

42 days until Bali. 42 days 'til New Me.

For now I'll just imagine the new smells, sights, and sounds...
The way my body feels as my feet walk the ground.

I'll wander a land so foreign to me,
and add years to my life that will set me free.

Hopelessly Helpless

Salt water drips down my face as I sit in a puddle of my sorrows.
Oh, how I wish Life's answers would come knocking at my door.
Instead I am left alone and broken and wondering where this twisted road will lead me.
I must find comfort in life slapping me in the face every now and again.
I am a bit masochistic after all.
Have I subconsciously wished this upon myself?

I will bow down and accept this role of villain. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I am not deserving.
I have dictated the treatment that is being given to me.
Love is not unconditional. It must be earned.
I have not earned this great, grand, glossy love that can be.

Is this person who I long for too perfect for reality?
Does this person find me in my dreams and when my big brown eyes open at dawn--
does He slip away into a world lost til sundown once again?

Questions left unanswered...dissolve with the morning fog as we make our way into Sunday.

And I wonder, why relationships are easily given away and hands are wiped clean.

But a ring has the power to change things completely?
A superficial shiny piece of glimmer and glitz can hold two people together in a way that nothing else can.
To create a bind worthy of extra effort.
Do I long for that promise? That flashy guarantee.


And I cry and I sigh and I wish for...
A hug and some love and a kiss on the cheek.
A feeling in my stomach that makes me so weak.

So I'll wait and I'll dream and I'll pray.
It's a new dawn, it's a new day.

It's in these moments, these struggles, these chapters...
I stand up tall and walk beautifully,
reminding myself that my book has hundreds of pages...
and I'm only on page 43.