Drift, Sway, Break.

I drift into the afternoon with the wonder of the New Year swaying above my head.
With fear and excitement engulfing my body and mind, I take a deep breath.
Break down the fantasies--good, bad, indifferent--erase and wipe clean.

Pure. Untouched. Bare. Raw and Ready.

Pushing through the next few weeks, dreading the hard goodbyes but reminding myself that it's just a new beginning.

I'll be back whether in body or spirit. I'll be back soon.

Nostalgic in Transition

A treasure chest of golden days.
Yellow flakes break.
And rain down on,
this face of youth maturing.

In mystery, I see promise and the backdrop of my history.
In shades of orange and crystal blue--tomorrow has signed her name.
A territory claimed just for me, to start the story of who I'll be.

I smile a closed mouth grin as tears roll down my cheek.
Bittersweet.

To the goodbyes and chapters closed, tucked away you'll be.

To the next that comes along...
Take from me the knowledge of another world and time,
and share with me the energy of your soul, the light that thrives inside.

Let me walk away...graceful, humble, and all brand new.

November is You

Oh, November here you are again...
Covering the ground with fallen leaves and memories.

Orange and yellow scatter this place
reminding me
of the fire that burned in the heart of You and I.

Too splendid to cry
anything but a joyful tear
for it's nearly 2010...
a new world, a new year.

Imaginary letters float around my fluid mind
wishing I could share my smiles with you
wishing that you felt it too.

A fleeting breeze blows my way this tranquil fall--
Filling my thoughts: the Novembers when you were my All.
All I was, was you.

Wondering how the days drop off your calendar
as you drift into a new time.

*Mine are dropping rather gracefully.

Although, there are those days I'd like to press rewind...
Just to feel, one more time, the way November felt with you by my side.

The Moon is my New Home

My apartment.
My automobile.
My possessions.

My block.
My town.
My city.

My family.
My friends.
My co workers.

My life.
My world.
My existence.

As I Know It--Will Soon Disintegrate.

Right before my eyes.

Am I crazy to welcome this change?
No, no...just...
Finally walking to my edge and plunging into the future that was written
in the stars for me.
Shiny, bright, and lighting up my sky.

Aw, so refreshing is the moon, my universal home...
Look up there my friends and think of me.

And know I'm thinking of you too.

Sweet like Sugar

Tripping, falling, HARD into a darkness that clouds this mind of mine.
Oh, how I search for a drastic distraction...
All I find is myself face-to-face with reality, yes--
A healthy embrace includes No escape.

Breathe and allow the shift to take hold.

A grand beginning awaits just around that corner...
I smile a great big smile; my dimples pinch my cheeks.
The mystery of tomorrow -- feeds my today.
Passionately I kiss the lips of my future OH how sweet it surely tastes.

First Journal Entry in Travel

On the second plane to Bali...and overcome with emotions, tears stream down my face. So happy to be here in this time and place. I peer out the window and see a world so brand new below me. All the wonder fills my mind.

So thankful to be healthy and alive. This is THE LIFE. This is living.

How would I have felt to have given this up for anyone or anything. Nobody deserves to take this from me. Love will be there-- in one form or another. If it's only while laying on the bed with Jaylen as he lays his head on my pillow, looks me in the eyes and says "I wuv you". I could live with that forever. Some day, when the planets align--it will happen for me! And I'm no longer worried, waiting or seeking that day. I have faith that it will be there exactly when I need it.

The cotton ball clouds comfort all of me. The undiscovered land below calls my name. How did I almost let this experience dissolve right before my eyes. How did I almost let him take this from me...I am so proud of myself for being strong, standing my ground, and staying true to myself.

I walk through this journey with an open mind and an open heart--hoping to grow and become the best I can be. I truly believe the best of me comes from exploring the world--engaging in culture and in people. This is my passion. It may be a passion that creates inability for "socially correct" relationships, but I believe that there is a reason for this and a reason for me. I think most people look down upon the "unconventional" life. The wanderer is not usually the one we look up to. We call them crazy, we call them reckless, but I on the other hand, call them my HERO.

It's crazy how your mind plays tricks on you. How can I sit at home and think about flying and be so terrified and when I'm actually doing it, I am so at ease. I love the beauty I see as I look down at the world below. I truly feel alive. Never will I put myself on the sideline. Call it selfish but this is the only way to enrich my life and become a better person. I am so excited to meet new people from all over the world--to hear their stories, to be moved by their experiences. I'm excited to become more human, more well-rounded; I'm excited to be an advanced version of who I am today.

I'll be the first to admit giving up a seemingly flawless relationship was difficult but in hindsight, it was far from flawless. And who knows, maybe I will never again find that but I will have done the things that matter to me and that is ALL that matters. I'm so happy I have friends that support me and understand who I am. And what I need. I no longer feel guilty for the choices I've made--I am proud. You can't live your life for anyone but yourself. Some day I'll be ready to start the new chapter but for now I'm exploring the moment.


Float weightlessly through marshmallow air
and wash your fears away.
Trust the moment and accept the embrace...
The possibilities are endless and calling your name.

And I'm Off...

Today marks the beginning of a defining journey.
How can words describe the feeling I have in this moment?
I have longed for this experience for as long as I can remember and NOW--
It is finally happening!

I will glide into this moment with eyes wide open and
arms outstretched, ready to embrace whatever may come my way.

I'm soaring through the silky sky, enchanted by my natural high.

No memory bank of such experience to cloud my mind with expectations.
A free bird, a clean slate, an empty sponge soaking up the weight of the world.

There's no other way this could have been.
This was meant to be.
About me, for once--a dedication to my desires and curiosities.

I pray for wellness and no regrets.
I pray for a ground-breaking, earth-shaking change.
I pray for a new advanced state of mind...
Now it is here, now is MY time.

Understand Me

I wish you would stand by my side and embrace this growth I so desperately need.
Be there for me as I've been there for you.
Know if you do, I will always stay true.

Am I asking too much, am I way out of line?
Am I holding onto something that will just never be...
Will the distance between your time and mine just never align?

In my eyes, it's YOU that has walked out on me.
Not letting me discover the woman I'll be.
The wife that you want and the friend that you need.

It is you who is selfish this time around.
Walked out on me and pushed me down.
All because I had a dream and stood my ground.

If you understood me, you would still be right here.

But instead you accuse me of choosing this over you,
that I lied about my love, that I just wasn't true.

All I can do is what I feel in my heart...
and hope that soon we will not be apart.

Stumbling

Listening to songs that remind me of you.
Wishing I could hear your voice, wondering if you think of me too.

There are days when I wonder--what have I done?
But then, it was you that ultimately ended it, right...
All through the day and night, I cry.

Feelings of guilt rush over me, remembering the way you make me feel...
Have I turned my back on you?

When do the lines between you and I blur, when is it too much to sacrifice myself for you...
This is what I ponder as I stumble through the heartache.

Imaginary Letter

Dear Alex,

Our last conversation transpired yesterday and it was all my fault.
You know me, the queen of zero thinking ---> before action.
The thought of you came to mind and my reaction was too swift for sound reason.
I am sorry for that. And for everything else.

I am sorry for the promises of husband and wife.
The house and the kids and white picket fence.

I am sorry for being me.

I'm sure my apologies are hollow in your eyes...
but you'll never see this letter--because you told me yesterday to
NEVER CONTACT YOU AGAIN.

And because I love and respect the person you are, I will do just that.

I never thought this day would come, the day the man who taught me how to Love--
would disappear forever.

How hard it is to think of you and know that it's the end.
The loss of my love and my very best friend.

And of course, as you say, I wanted it this way...
So why am I so sad?

I'm sad because I've hurt you.
I'm sad because I don't want to be the source of your pain.
I'm sad because I couldn't be the woman you needed me to be.

That woman is in me, she's just not ready to be released.

And when that time rolls around, I will no longer have you as the person I'll share her with.
That thought devastates me.

I hope I wasn't a waste of your time.
I hope you still think of me with high regard but at this point--
I just don't think that is so.

Damn, that hurts.
To realize that you will never look at me again with adoration in your eyes.

Only time will tell if my "selfishness" will lead to right or wrong.
The dreamer in me--must make a few reality before she'll be complete.

I'm sorry you landed in the middle of my journey and not the eminent end.

With Love,
Danielle

2013

It's going to be ironic when I settle for less than I had before.
And the memory of him will chase me around for eternity.

Mystery of Tomorrow

It's the unknown that holds me captive.
Caged like a bird desperate to fly.

I'm chained to the what-ifs of tomorrow--
Longing to be in a new time and place.

Fear of another you, never will I meet.
Confused on why I'd want another when you're standing in my face...

Why aren't you good enough?
How are my needs not met?

Drifting in and out of self-loathing and self-righteousness.
Wondering when it with all make sense.

Or if it ever will.

The loneliness that comes in moments of silence terrorizes me and drags me down.

I give in to my flaws and become less of who I want to be...

I'm scared of the future's clouded mystery.

Namaste

The light within me honors the light within you.
You. You. You.

I breathe in the aura that permeates your pores.
So blessed to have you hold me and call me yours.

I cherish your existence and treasure your soul.
You've changed me so beautifully; you've made me whole.

If I had it my way, things would just Be.
But that wouldn't be healthy for you nor for me.

So today is the day, I must let you go.
But know that I'm here if you ever feel low.

And know that I'm sad and know that I cry.
And know I'll miss the sparkle in your eyes.

My heavy feet walk out the door.
Because You, You, You--YOU deserve more.

Goodbye to the one who has set me free.
Thank you for simply loving me for me.

Goodbye to my love, my very best friend.

Goodbye to You, this must be the end...

New Beginnings

It's that superficial madness that makes me want to cry.
And as the drops fall, I'll be alone. Nobody to wipe these tears.
So, you wanna hang out now? You wanna get a drink...
Lets be up front. We both know what you want.
FUCK.
You don't deserve this. You don't deserve Me.

I battle myself.
This jaded mind of mine--pimps me out from time to time.

But tonight, I ran as fast as I could and tonight I broke free.

No longer will I give in to the game of man vs woman.
The push and pull of wanting, needing, suffocating.
I am beautiful. I am smart. I am strong.

I don't need you to tell me these things--
all with ill-intention just to get in THIS.
Thanks anyways but I'm gonna have to pass.

NEXT.

Free Fall

Cool, crisp, bright green grass crunches beneath my feet.
Stretch and release.

I shut my deep brown eyes as light penetrates my soul.
Shy shimmers of glitter and gold.

Toes on the edge, wind on my face, I shiver.
Chilly, chill--Chill.

Escape, Grow, Evolve.
Repeat.

JUMP.

Weightless and worry-free, it sure feels good to be Me.

This feeling is mine.
It's calling my name. I glide toward the voice and fall like the rain.

Soul Searching

The dirt road divided yesterday as I walked along.
I tripped over a branch and landed in a patch of sunflowers, funny how things work out.
Swallowed by vibrant gold and staring at the baby blue sky--I saw my future.

Not as I envisioned just a few short months ago but spectacular and more promising.

Tears drip, drop, drip down my olive skin. Breathe. And sigh. And cry again.

Am I selfish? Am I wrong?
Or would this happen all along...

I've named my destiny: Shadow. Because she follows me everywhere I go.
Today, I welcome her with open arms as we laugh and run together.

On days when fear has kidnapped me and taken me to darkness--
The bright white light finds a way to my soul and carries me away.

A dreamer, a fighter, a woman with curiosity...

This is who I am. This is Me.

Wondering about Wandering

Here I am, all twenty-seven years of being Me and still feeling like I'm seventeen.

This life has handed me a red velvet bag full of mystery.
I sift through wooden pieces to build my history.

I sleep and I dream and I wish and I scream...
I've come to realize that a leap is what I need.

Walking to the edge, preparing for the jump--excited for the endless wonders that have yet to come.

My first adventure outside the USA: my safety-net, my haven, the place I call home--
It's held me so comfortably but now it's time to roam.

Soon I'll have the experiences to build this library in my mind.
Finally fill this burning inside to see the world through other eyes.

42 days until Bali. 42 days 'til New Me.

For now I'll just imagine the new smells, sights, and sounds...
The way my body feels as my feet walk the ground.

I'll wander a land so foreign to me,
and add years to my life that will set me free.

Hopelessly Helpless

Salt water drips down my face as I sit in a puddle of my sorrows.
Oh, how I wish Life's answers would come knocking at my door.
Instead I am left alone and broken and wondering where this twisted road will lead me.
I must find comfort in life slapping me in the face every now and again.
I am a bit masochistic after all.
Have I subconsciously wished this upon myself?

I will bow down and accept this role of villain. Be afraid, be very afraid.

I am not deserving.
I have dictated the treatment that is being given to me.
Love is not unconditional. It must be earned.
I have not earned this great, grand, glossy love that can be.

Is this person who I long for too perfect for reality?
Does this person find me in my dreams and when my big brown eyes open at dawn--
does He slip away into a world lost til sundown once again?

Questions left unanswered...dissolve with the morning fog as we make our way into Sunday.

And I wonder, why relationships are easily given away and hands are wiped clean.

But a ring has the power to change things completely?
A superficial shiny piece of glimmer and glitz can hold two people together in a way that nothing else can.
To create a bind worthy of extra effort.
Do I long for that promise? That flashy guarantee.


And I cry and I sigh and I wish for...
A hug and some love and a kiss on the cheek.
A feeling in my stomach that makes me so weak.

So I'll wait and I'll dream and I'll pray.
It's a new dawn, it's a new day.

It's in these moments, these struggles, these chapters...
I stand up tall and walk beautifully,
reminding myself that my book has hundreds of pages...
and I'm only on page 43.

Dairy Products with the word Cream

I have weird issues with cheese these days. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but I am increasingly more particular about which kind I will eat. And when I say which kind, I'm not talking about the type of cheese: cheddar, feta, provolone. I'm talking about certain brands of shredded cheese that are just not acceptable for me anymore. Store-bought shredded cheese tends to have a powdery film on the outside of it.
Cellulose--An anti-caking agent. Ew.

But I'm too lazy to grate my own cheese so what I should probably do is get the F over it.

But I won't, I'll just keep complaining.

If it's melted then I don't really see a difference, it's when the cheese is raw that I just can't do it.

You will never see me eat shredded cheese on a salad.

Feta, I'm all about. Maybe I just like white cheeses. Wait, does that sound racist?

One thing I most definitely know is that I love dairy products with the word Cream: Sour Cream, Whip Cream, Ice Cream and Cream Cheese.

Now the word Cream is starting to look odd. Cream, Cream, Cream.

You simply cannot have Mexican food without Sour Cream, it just doesn't feel right.

And I'm at the point where I will refuse the food unless I have a glob of the fantastic white stuff on the side of my plate.

Is that so wrong?

I love everything about it. Sour Cream is perfect.

I mix it with my beans, my rice, stick it in my burrito, on my fajitas, I even mix it with my salsa and eat it with chips!

Mexican is not the only type of food that calls out Sour Cream's name.
In fact, you can put it on anything as far as I'm concerned.

But Sour Cream's thicker cousin Cream Cheese is even more amazing and delicious.

MMM. I'm hungry just thinking about it.

Cream Cheese has me sprung. That thickness just drives me crazy. I want to eat a bagel just to have a reason to consume that delicious white spread.

I will put it on anything. Crackers, pretzels, and chips. I want it around me all the time, just in case I get a craving.

Now, Ice Cream is very high on my dairy product list but you won't see it in my house very often.

And that is because my obsession with it needs to be kept in check at all times.
It's just not healthy (my obsession).

I could bathe in Ice Cream. I don't discriminate against certain flavors, of course I have my favorites, but any will do when I feel the burning desire forming inside me.

And who doesn't love Whip Cream?

It comes in a can that makes it ever-so-simple to put a little pile of the creamy goodness inside your mouth.

I can't complain with that.

And this is why I will never be vegan.

Step One

After living 27 years of my life the daughter of a man with a disease that causes him to drink excessive amounts of alcohol--I feel a sense of relief today.

I went to my first ever Al-Anon meeting with my beautifully brave mother by my side.

I walked away seeing the struggle through so many different eyes.

I sat there thinking that my struggle was unlike any of the others in the room and realized once I was removed from the building that the reality is we all just share A struggle.
Whether it's a father or a mother or a husband or a wife or a brother or a sister or all of the above...
Everyone in that room was there because a person they love has an addiction.
An addiction that has become a blood-sucking leech that refuses to let go and here we are left in a puddle of their blood hoping for a transfusion.

I am not the person to get mad at my dad, I am not the one to point the finger at him and tell him all the wrongs he has done because in my mind--it just doesn't seem all that wrong.

Therein lies part of my issue but I haven't even been able to yet conquer the task of figuring that out.

In my mind I wage war. Sadness and Pity have at it and Sadness is the champ every time.
Pity is what he wants. Sadness is what I feel.

I'm not angry, I'm not upset with him, I'm just sad.
Sad that this man has lived practically his whole life battling an addiction to a substance that is legal, readily available, embraced by society and extremely widely used.

I am sad that I see this wonderfully marvelous world and all the opportunity it has to offer and he sees a bottle of potent clear liquid.
I am sad that I see the love and joy that comes from my meaningful relationships and he see his one tried and true confidant: vodka.
I am sad that I see all of his great potential as a man, a father, a grandfather and friend and he sees the loneliness of the bottle.

I prepare for the day he will no longer be around. The day I will stand up in front of my family and speak about the man he WAS. The day that all I will have are the memories of him stored in the file cabinets of my mind.

The day when the last memory of him is so distant that it almost feels unreal.

Whoever came up with the phrase "elephant in the room" and tied it to alcoholism, pretty much has it all figured out.

I've lived my entire life with this huge beast standing right in front of my face.

I haven't yelled at it, I've haven't kicked it, I haven't tried to knock it down.

I haven't done a damn thing about it.
Because I never knew what to do.

But today, I do know one thing: I am letting this animal loose.